I'm weird

I am beginning to wonder what normal really is. I had a friend tell me tonight that normal is just a setting on a washing machine. I have always asked God to let me never become normal because i wanted to be special and to do special things with my life. Now though more than ever i yearn for a normal life. It's amazing how fickle we are in our prayers. Not that i would have ever prayed for cancer but i certainly will have some crazy story and journey to tell of the rest of my life that will hopefully be an inspiration to others. I'm weird. This i have always been aware of but now have medical proof of. My last PET scan shows continued growth again of the cancer, weird. especially since i have been feeling so great and my recovery has been amazing after every round of chemo. Yet there it is, literally in black and white on a piece of paper, black spots that show growth in my chest. The odd thing is though that the doctors are stumped. Hodgkins normally reacts to the treatments i am having, but not in my case for whatever reason. The stem cell transplant therefore may be on hold since the chemo has proven it's not working. For now we don't know what's next. So another biopsy is next to see if the cancer has somehow mutated or changed or become resistant or what. I'm not sure how all that works i just know i'm weird. I also know i'm tired. Physically and mentally drained. I know of another cancer patient who just up and stopped going after the few few treatments and in a way i can understand. I feel fine, or at least normal in comparison to how i felt over the past 2 years. I know its not possible or smart to just stop, and i won't, but there's a part of me that is just done. Most people get through this and go on, i'm back to we're not sure what's happening. I've become ok with the fragility of this body. I don't think most people ever think about how fragile our lives really are. Even when others are sick or dying it's hard to understand for ourselves, at least it always was for me. I figured when i was like 70 or something my knees would start hurting or my arm would need surgery. Maybe a heart attack at some point and some breathing problems along the way would make it so one day i would go to bed after a good game of golf and average night at home with Rosemary and i wouldn't wake up. Not too many people think at the age of 26 that the body they have taken fairly good care of, no drugs or booze and plenty of exercise, will just fail to work like it should. But it has. It makes me long even more for not a normal life but an extraordinary one. Who knows what our time here is going to be like. But so long as we are, our time should be enjoyed with those we love and used for a purpose greater than our own individual longings. I hope thats what i can do from here on out. I don't want normal and never did, so i might as well start living with what i asked for, even if it's not quite what i imagined.