the Adventures of Bubble Boy (day 9)

Wow nine days. Now really begins the waiting game. For the next week i just have to sit here while my blood counts and body fall apart and try to start over. One of the nurses told me it's like another birthday. The way this transplant works is as my old defenses die off and the new stem cells begin to grow, my body will try to recognize the cancer and actually fight back. I am exhausted. I am not really sure what i want to say here. My brain is finally coming back into focus but i also feel as scattered as ever. No one really sleeps in a hospital but i particularly have not slept since i have been here. I am wrestling with God every second of the day. I have always felt a purpose in my life that seemed so great, a calling that i could never fully explain. I have been in church my whole life and now feel like somehow i was never there. I remember being filled with the Holy Spirit for the first time and speaking in tongues freshman year and saying to God whatever you want is what i want. I feel like though i've spent my whole spiritual life knowing the book smarts but never knowing God. In the past few months i've figured this is all part of the plan i guess. Just follow the steps. For the first time I am beginning to realize if i ever want to do something for God i need to know Him. Not the basics of theology or how to play church. I need to know Christ. The passion i have to do something great must be a greater passion to know God. It's a rebirth. Just as the nurse had mentioned I want to start over. Amazingly I can. I am frustrated but focused. I realize this post is mostly just rambling but I just felt i needed people to know that i am trying to move forward. I realize there is nothing i can do to earn God's favor or mercy and for the first time it makes me hopeful. God is doing something so amazing with all you people who are helping out and offering to not only get through this stage but on to Texas. I have no clue what that means or why it seems to be happening so easily but as i wake this morning i am confident am i finally standing in the right direction.