Envelope Please

So the unfortunate update. It appears that the mass where all the cancer started is still not gone. In fact it's actually gotten worse than the last scan back in December in that area. So bring on the radiation. Thats apparently the next step in the process. I will be having a bore marrow test sometime soon to decide how much and at what frequency the radiation will be given. I think at this point I'm still very numb to the whole thing. I know its my only choice but in a way i just wish i could stop and give up. I know i believe in God, but i have no clue where He is, or whats happening. It's very frustrating, thats about all i can say. I want to shake my fist to the heavens and scream and yell but i have no idea what good it will do. I know years from now my testimony will change lives to see the faithfulness of God and how he's taking me from a low to a place of influence or at least a voice that can move, but at the moment i feel like Christ in the garden of Gethsemane, not that i think I'm Christ or anything close. I just feel alone and desperate asking to take away what I know can be used for good in the end, because i don't want to deal with it. It's funny but the one way i know God is still here is in Rosemary. She's as frustrated and mad at God as ever i am sure but, i know God brought her to me for a reason, especially now. There will be no way to pay the debt i owe her for the sorrow and lose that she has already had to suffer, but i just pray she is rewarded 100 fold for what has taken place to this point. Thats all for now, i'm sure i'll be on here more in the next coming weeks.